I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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