My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
