Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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