My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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