when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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