Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
