I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It was a blind-side dick pic.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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