My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
