Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
