i would punch a child for taco bell
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
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