gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
