He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.