hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
