Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
