MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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