The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
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I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
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Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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