Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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