im drinking this country out of the recession.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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