Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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