Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
