he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
