I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
