I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
