I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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