its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
