I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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