You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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