I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
