I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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