i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
