dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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