Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
