It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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