that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
They took my balls.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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