But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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