you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
