Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
