so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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