I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
