your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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