i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i will never coherently bang her
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
