Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
