My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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