dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
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if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
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I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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