i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
