Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Randomize