guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
