I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So much Jack, so little girl.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
