Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
