They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
