If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
