I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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