I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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