At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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