this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
