Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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