I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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