Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
This is my gift to your gina
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
